Humor. Your horoscope for May, 2005
Aquarius (jan 20. - feb 18.)
For this month, the stars advise each Aquarius to go, and, not to go to a karaoke bar. But before spending too much time figuring out how to go, and, not to go to a karaoke bar, you should know that the stars spell trouble for any Aquarius who can't tie a Transom Knot. While the stars' karaoke bar advice may seem like enough to worry about for one month, an Aquarius unable to tie a Transom Knot would be wise to learn this skill.
Pisces (feb 19. - march 20.)
Owing to the arrangements of certain constellations, a fine month awaits all female and most male Pisces. Indeed, only a few male Pisces will not be smiled upon by the stars this month. Who are these unlucky gentlemen? The stars say that the losers this month are you Pisces who have yet to tell your significant other about the vasectomy you had a few months ago. In fact, the stars will be especially unkind to you Pisces who notice your postcoital partner placing a pillow under her legs and still not tell her that she might as well place it under your legs since not one of your Pisces spermatozoids could possibly be in there. To give you male Pisces an idea of what the stars mean by unlucky, expect to find sterilized locusts in your samsa, fertile toads under your toilet seat, and "something different" in your underwear.
Aries (march 21. - april 19.)
For most Aries people this month, the stars will be lined up just right for you to feel like a king or queen without certain recessive alleles that generations of consanguineous marriage can lead to. The Aries in trouble are those who will try to make any baby and/or toddler use a potty when they just aren't ready to take that great leap forward, thus, not, stressing the poop out of them. Believe me, this month the stars will make miserable (no details this time) the life of any Aries who chastises at any time a baby or toddler for not using their potty. Alas, the stars will shine dimly upon you Aries who cannot see that a young child pooping or peeing in the vicinity of a potty, in a pair of designer corduroys, in Buckingham Palace, or, wherever, whenever nature calls, is an event that should make you feel like royalty.
Taurus (april 20. - may 20.)
You know that thing you Taurus people think you would like to stop doing? That's right, the thing you do that almost makes you want to sandpaper yourself and/or sprint to the nearest confessional booth. Well, the stars are saying that this month you've got as much a chance of breaking this habit as Eric Fernstein has of making it into the NBA Hall of Fame. On the other hand, the stars do note that as long as no one gets hurt as a result of your "behavior," expect yet another groovy month.
Gemini (may 21. - june 21.)
Talk about what should be a month of influence for each Gemini! The stars are saying that throughout this time wonderful ideas - which when implemented will help your company make more money - will come to you each day as often as trains will leave from the Tashkent Train Station. Not surprisingly, the stars advise you to share these ideas with your boss and co-workers. So, what's the catch? Not much, except that whomever you present your ideas to will show little or no interest in them whatsoever. In fact, the stars go so far as to guarantee that no one will consider a single one of them! Why on earth then are the stars advising Geminis to propose  their ideas this month, even though each and every one of them of them will be rejected? Curiously, the stars aren't saying.
Cancer (june 22. - july 22.)
The stars don't really have much advice for Cancers except to say that you will soon converse with a certain middle-aged Armenian and that in order for this month to be an interesting one, you must tell him with a straight face that Cher is Azerbaijani.
Leo (july 23. - aug 22.)
The stars report that Leos will have good news and bad news this month. The good news is that the makers of Antibacterial soaps claim that (when used properly) their stuff can kill Staphylococcus, Streptococcus, E. coli, Salmonella, etc. The bad news is that it is tough to wash your colon with a bar of soap. That said, the stars report that if you Leos wash your hands 4-16 times a day, you should be fine.
Virgo (aug 23. - sept 22.)
The jury is still out on whether mental illness is caused by poverty or if it's the other way around. Whatever the case, the stars say that this is definitely not the month for a Virgo to quit their day job to write Uzbek operas or open up a cryonics center in Chillanzar. On the flip side, the stars advise Virgos to continue rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar's.
Libra (sept 23. - oct 22.)
The stars say that you Libras might need to adjust something to have a good month, but should be fine even if you don't. Have the horizontal drainpipes from your home toilet been installed at an incorrect pitch? I know that if a drainpipe's pitch is too shallow, the water will move slowly and solid matter will clog the lines. I also know that if the pitch is too steep, the water will move faster than the waste and the lines will again, in many cases, end up getting clogged. True, I'm waffling; I just can't get a clear reading on what you might need to adjust. It happens. 
Scorpio (oct 23. - nov 21.)
The stars say that on more than one occasion at work this month, you Scorpios will walk into a room of people who will stop "talking about" you or someone the moment you enter. Now although after scanning the silent ones your gut might be telling you to walk up the one you've heard on several occasions rubbishing someone not present and tell this person you appreciate working around people with the strength of character to talk about other people behind their back only on rare occasions, the stars are telling you not to say a word. However, if and when you debase yourself (shine you may, perfect you ain't) wasting time in a similar manner, the stars will label you as the coward. But for the most part, the stars see that you rubbish your fellow man to produce laughter, your dearest comrade of all. And this is partly why they will shine their brightest on you this month.
Sagittarius (nov 22. - dec 21.)
A fine month awaits each Sagittarius who does something for the stars at a food bazaar. Luckily for you Sagitariuses, I know what the stars are looking for so here goes: At the market, approach a potato saleslady that you have never spoken to and say, "I'll take four kilograms of potatoes. I only need three, but I am a Sagittarius and my horoscope says I should buy four." At this point, the saleslady will ask you where you are from. From this moment until paying for and receiving your potatoes, the stars advise that you carry on a conversation with her. Oh, and don't forget to thank your lucky stars for the fine month!
Capricorn (dec 22. - jan 19.)
The stars are saying that this month all Capricorns (especially married males) will experience true happiness. Here's one way to sense the start of true happiness: On several occasions at night during the month, married male Capricorns will feel an urge to turn off the TV before feeling sleepy. Does this mean then that global warming is for real? For heaven's sake, it does not. It's just that the stars want you to gravitate toward your spouse. To the ladies of this and all other signs married to and sharing a bed with a soon to be moonstruck Capricorn, the stars beseech you to hang in there. First of all, it'll all be over in about twenty minutes at usual; secondly, nothing less than cosmic harmony (or something like that) rests on your ability to grin and bear it. Besides, the stars say that if you're lucky to be married to a good Capricorn, you might feel the urge to do more than just grin!
Clarence Candide
Clarence Candide is a lecturer at Westminster International University in Tashkent.
He lives in Tashkent with his shooting star, Mrs. Candide along with their son, Mars Candide.
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