Your Horoscope for June, 2005

Pisces (Feb 19 - March 20)
Very few Pisces ladies and not a single Pisces gentleman will have to deal with emmenagogue. For the sufferers, put your faith in volatile oils.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Do not choose silence in the wake of another's sneeze. If saying "Bless You" just isn't you, try saying "Tecumseh" or "Dienbienphu" or any secular affirmation of the noisemaking mortal's existence.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Each time someone asks you a question to which you have good reason to believe they already know the answer, ask them if they`ve lost weight and walk away.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
You must not forget that each kernel on a corn of cob is a separate ovule.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
On separate occasions, a certain someone will tell you that a number of your mutual acquaintances are not to be trusted. The fact is however that these mutual acquaintances are trustworthy enough whereas this certain someone is a cardcarrying you know what.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
If you need to replace your car's radiator hose, before slipping it on make sure to put the clamp on. Also, you first might want to dip the ends of the hose in anti-freeze. (If you don't own a car see Aries.)

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
On more than one occasion, you will find yourself being talked at by an individual with the conversational skills of a twostroke engine. Whatever he or she spews, the main thing is not to listen to a word of it. To pass the time nod mechanically, spying the orator.s teeth for signs of decay or recalling scenes from A Clockwork Orange.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You will find yourself in an audience being entertained by a person with a microphone which unfortunately will be working. But believe it or not, your soul mate of the month will be somewhere in this very crowd! Gentlemen Libras find her; lady Libras let yourselves be found. The two of you will eventually make real music together!

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The bad news is that you will somehow cut yourself. The good news is that you will not need a blood transfusion, which of course means you`ll have no need to worry about lytischen und agglutinienenden Wirkungen des Blutserums!

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Hearing a middle-aged man in a restaurant talking seemingly endlessly on a cell phone, you will pray that your son (present or future) will not turn into the same sort of goofball. For now, put some food in your mouth, taste it, chew it, swallow it. You can always pray later.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Do your utmost to differentiate between love and lust, between giving and taking. There is a difference, isn't there?